5 Things We Learned About Aliens After Joining an Abduction Support Group

A few months ago, we decided to join an alien abduction group on Facebook. We had no idea that upon receiving the notification that we were official members, our lives would change forever. We'll be honest. They didn't change for the better.

Here are a few things we've learned so far:

1.) All Bruises, Scrapes, Bumps, and Cuts are Caused by Dickhead Extra Terrestrials Screwing Around With Your Body in a Spaceship.

2.) Aliens Communicate in Binary. If You're an Alien Who Uses it Too Frequently, You Might Get Banned From the Group.


3.) "Blood Attacks" are Supposedly a Thing.

4.) Aliens are Perverts Who Love to Mess Around With You While You're Sleeping. They Also Love to Totally Destroy Your Ability to Write Properly.

5.) Martians Love Babies! Awww!


SUMMARY: Aliens are real. They steal you in your sleep and post comments on Facebook in binary. Watch out, world. We're in trouble.