Amid all the recent media attention towards Dr Seuss’ early works and the ongoing debate over his racist caricatures, it’s important to look back at what he really was (or at least what he could have been): a sex crazed and violent lunatic. Here are several potentially infamous Dr. Suess book titles that would have never gotten past the editors.
1.) Green Eggs and DAMN
Some tall dog or rabbit (or maybe just a furry) finds that he has erectile disfunction. His short friend, whose species is equally ambiguous, insists that Green Eggs and Ham are the "cure-all aphrodisiac." The tall guy wont budge on his stance against male performance enhancers. After several attempts to get him to take it, he does and DAMN does it work. Serious boners. On that note…
2.) Have Sex on Pop
Why just hop on your dad when you can have sex on him?
“Top, pop...we have sex on top of pop.
Dad, sad...our sex makes her dad sad.
Cry, die...he cries until he dies.
Corpse, corpse...her dad’s corpse is just a corpse.
Cum, bum...I came on her dad’s bum.
Necrophilia, academia...we can all learn something from having sex on a corpse”
3.) How the Grinch Stole My Virginity
You know he was just a pervert, right?
“‘If I can’t have their Christmas, I must have something else.
Like that Cindy-loo- who, her booty is top shelf.
I must find a way to get her up to my cave,
Perhaps I could lure her here with a rave.’
And a sick rave he through, the grinch did that day
There was molly and booze, not to mention The gays!
Cindy-loo- who came too with all of her friends
one of them died though from getting the bends
The bends is what happens when you go up too fast
If you’re climbing Mt Krumpet, make sure you weren’t scuba diving last
So grinch approached Cindy with a sneer so very coarse
She tried to smile back but it came across forced
‘Hey Mr Grinch, what a sick ass party! While I’m trippin' on X this roast beast is more hearty!’
‘I’m glad you’re enjoying it all Cindy-loo, but full disclosure the whole party is for you!’
‘All for me?’ Said Cindy ‘but why would you do that?’
‘Me’s a horny ol' grinch and I gosta hit dat!’
Cindy was shocked, straight down to her core.
Was it true this fat green guy saw her as a whore?
‘You sleep with me?’ Asked Cindy so suspicious.
‘I’ve thought long and hard about that ass, so delicious.’
And then I guess they do it or something? I don’t know. Gross.
4.) The Whorax
This little eco friendly chicken nugget gives out mustache rides to all willing to plant a tree.
5.) Horton Hears a Moan
Short Synopsis:
While out and about one day, Horton the elephant hears a moan coming from a flower. He looks very closely to find two Whos plowing each other. The Whos have an existential crisis because apparently "God" watches them fuck. They make a suicide pact, and Horton watches them screw one last time before killing themselves. (We're confident that Jim Carrey definitely would have played the elephant in this version as well.)
6.) Pocket Book of Boners
This is an actual title by Dr Seuss. No adapting necessary.
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